THE MACROS OF LIFE
Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)
Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
Dad: Hey are you awak? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
Dad: Fuck the government.
Dad: Fuck the school board.
Dad: Close the door.
Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
Dad: I love puns.
Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
Dad: Please shut up.
Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
Dad: They act like I care what they think.
Dad: I hate homework.
Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.

death-by-lulz:

Tonight on Game of Thrones 4.01

Featured on a 1000Notes.com blog

In which Drogon is Loki

March 4, 2013
I was unpacking when I heard you walk in. I had on light pink lipstick that I found at the bottom of a box. You put a few things on the counter and handed me my car keys. I kissed you and asked if you could help me move the bed. You said you needed to talk. I keep replaying this over and over in my mind. I don’t think I’ll be able to unpack the rest of our boxes.

April 4, 2013
It’s been a month since you left.
Mark says you’re not coming back.
I can’t sleep.
Are you awake?

May 4, 2013
I finally went to the doctor like you had begged me to.
You were right and yeah, I’ll be fine.

June 4, 2013
I sold my engagement ring at a pawn shop today. I bought expensive lipstick and flowers. I also bought a lot of beer and a carton of cigarettes. I’ve lost a lot weight since you last saw me. My friends from high school that I haven’t seen in years hardly recognize me. It’s weird being back in this town without you. I spend most of my afternoons at the beach. I saw a sea turtle today while I was swimming. I miss eating breakfast food at midnight with you.

July 4, 2013
I stumbled across the video of you in the car singing Taylor Swift. I deleted it before it played all the way through but I have to admit it made me laugh. I can’t remember how your voice sounds saying my name. I broke down and called you. Thank you for not answering.

August 4, 2013
I dropped my cigarette in my lap when you drove past me today.

September 4, 1012
I went on a date.
He thinks Bud Light is “quality beer”.
It just isn’t going to work out.

October 4, 2013
It doesn’t hurt anymore to say your name.

November 4, 2013
Hope you’re doing well.

December 12, 2013
Thank you for setting me free.

These short letters are straight from my notebook, unedited and carelessly written - d.a.h (via girlchoking)
i write poetry because my heart bleeds ink and
my hands shake fire, i’ve never written a poem
about hurricanes or thunder, only your soul and
how you called me wallflower, at first i thought
the records that you played were meant to be
heard through the tempo of your soul, but only
when you left did i realize that pain tastes like
strawberry milk at 5 AM when you’re sitting on
sidewalk in black underwear and cigarette burns
on your tongue like bee stings, and when i visit
you in Hell, I hope you tell Satan I’ve come to be
your bride, so i can write another poem about
the way you chewed the words “God is a prison”
my sister eats acid  (via irynka)

edward elric + that fucking black tank top
alternative captions:· the magnificence of puberty· sexual attraction to fictional characters is not a myth· edward ‘fuck me fuck you fuck this’ elric· the best picspam i could ever hope to make
edward elric + that fucking black tank top
alternative captions:
· the magnificence of puberty
· sexual attraction to fictional characters is not a myth
· edward ‘fuck me fuck you fuck this’ elric
· the best picspam i could ever hope to make

it’s been four years and i haven’t
written a single poem, my boyfriend
asks if this is how i’ve always been,
he describes me as a wildfire, i
laugh and wear lipstick and buy
expensive perfumes and drink
champagne and let electricity spill
from my wrists like oil, i vacuum
two, three - sometimes four times
a day, my therapist says that’s not
a healthy way of dealing with loss
but i tell him that neither are pills,
sometimes he ask me about you,
i say you tasted like the sun and
touched me like i was the moon, it’s
all very sad, you know? the entire
dying part? it’s all very sad, i say,
some days i don’t want to get up,
on Sundays i watch the clock, i cook
potatoes and steak for dinner, he tells
me he likes my dresses and my pink
lipstick and especially when i read
him poetry, i don’t feel guilty when
he think they’re about him, i do feel
guilty that they’re always about you
i’m sorry it had to end like this  (via irynka)

idaresayihavetoomany:

its-always-funnier-in-enochian:

timelord-castiel:

rosskemp:

do i have cramps or has my appendix exploded

does my boob hurt or am i having a heart attack

am i on my period or do i have internal bleeding

these are our struggles

Thinking of dirty thoughts and getting an erection in awkward situations

The struggles of a man

boo hoo

thinking of my naked grandma isnt going to suck the blood back into my vagina

you need an award right now

friendsofthegaybc:

travisstolls:

friendsofthegaybc:

travisstolls:

WHEN HE WAS A YOUNG WARTHOG

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG WARTHOOOOOOOOG

Very nice

Thanks

minzeliron:

starlightbydaylight:

lapizsolarflare:

xurxie-do:

peebsalicious:

cchumped:

when you try to get into a new band and they have like, 5 albums already

SIGH

when you try to get into a new show and they already have like, 6 seasons

SIGH-ER 

when you try to get into a new webcomic and they already have like, 7,000 pages

SIGH-EST

when you’re an international kpop sensation

PSY

Goddammit, kpop fandom.